The (Mostly) Hilarious Lessons I’ve Learned in the Fourth Trimester

Posted on 13 May 2018 in baby, Uncategorized, writing | 1 comment

I’ve been a mom for three months now and I still wake up and think, is this little human really mine? As everyone tells you, there really is no way to prepare for the trials and tribulations that you’re about to embark on as you move from that tense ‘ready to pop’ period to full on motherhood. Each day truly is a new adventure and time seems to fly by, even if you can’t recall what it is you’ve done all day. During these first few months, aka the “fourth trimester,” I’ve haphazardly scribbled down all of the hilarity that has ensued day to day in the hopes that other newbie moms will be able to relate.

Being a new mom is:

  • Quickly realizing that sleeping when the baby sleeps is a ludicrous idea, you’d either sleep all day or need to be a World champion napper, capable of sleeping in 12-minute increments.

  • Growing a mane of gorgeous, thick hair during pregnancy and then watching it fall out in clumps as your hormones shift.
  • Thinking the horror stories have ended after listening to everyone’s labor and delivery sagas, but then realizing everyone also loves telling their horrific breastfeeding and sleep struggles as well. Fun!
  • Hoping that just once someone will mistake you for the babysitter. These eye bags are from a wild party last night, I swear!
  • Learning how to do everything one-handed and/or with your teeth.
  • Feeling like a tourist in a foreign country– talking slowly in a high pitched voice to someone who has no clue what you’re saying, but smiles and laughs at you because they appreciate the effort.
  • Buying everything you see on the internet because you think, ‘oh wow, that could be really helpful’ and then promptly regretting it but forgetting to return it. #mombrain.
  • Wondering how moms of multiples even survive the first month?
  • Getting excited that you can sleep in any position you want again, but then realizing that now your boobs vs. belly will be waking you up nightly.
  • Considering not eating anything after your diet is blamed for any and all of your babies health woes.
  • Regretting choosing a home with stairs.
  •  Forgetting what you went up/downstairs to get (repeat 500x per day)
  • Being told to ‘ask your doctor’ about everything and then watching your doctor “Google it” in front of you.

  • Thinking the person that invented baby socks must’ve been a man and/or a psychopath.
  • Learning that leaving 20 minutes early will still make you 20 minutes late.
  • Understanding that your baby will scream, poop or puke seconds before you need to leave, every. single. time.
  • Feeling bad for putting your baby in a swaddle, aka straight jacket several times per day and then watching them miraculously break out of it?!
  • Realizing that baby-wearing is being pregnant again, but even heavier.
  • Exposing your breasts so often that you’ll just whip them out anywhere, boobs are now food and giving AF about modesty is too much work! Also, loving the fact that no one will ever know you’re topless while Instagramming, texting, calling, or writing this list (score!).
  • Being told to “just put some breast milk on it,” about any and all postpartum afflictions.
  • Knowing that if you let your husband get hungry enough, he’ll miraculously learn how to cook.
  • Wearing yoga pants all day every day in the hopes that you may actually exercise today, or tomorrow, or this month.
  • Going to mom + baby yoga and doing zero yoga. Speaking of exercise…baths burn calories, correct?
  • Taking the majority of your meals standing up, eating out of Tupperware, usually with a dirty fork.
  • Finding that all of your shirts are consistently, well, damp.
  • Expecting an award for the depth and breadth of Google searches completed in one day.
  • Wondering if it’s ok for babies to listen to true crime podcasts? SSDGM, am I right?
  • Wishing your family was closer.
  • Wishing your family was farther away.
  • Disliking your partner more than you ever thought possible.
  • Loving your partner more than you ever thought possible.
  • Taking 5x as long to do anything.
  • Learning to ask for help.
  • Finding perfection in imperfection.
  • Feeling sad and anxious.
  • Feeling elated.
  • Feeling scared.
  • Feeling secure and purposeful.
  • Feeling lonely and isolated.
  • Letting go.
  • Giving in.
  • Taking it one day at a time.

One comment

  1. JD / May 13th, 2018 16:59

    this. is. gold.